Understanding and Waiting

Warning: Post contains talk of pregnancy and menstrual cycles. If those make you squeamish, please stop reading.

B and I have been trying for maybe three or four months (maybe more) for Baby #2.

So far, no success.

For those who know me, you remember that I was kind of “Eh, whatever” when I was pregnant with The Kid. It was an easy pregnancy, but I hated it. Eight weeks in and I was done with being pregnant.

This time around is a complete 180. I’ m ready to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant. So why aren’t I?

For the months we’ve been trying, I’ve cried every time my period started. Disappointment like I’ve never known plagued me each of those times. “Why” was on the tip of my tongue.

B told me that when it happens, it happens.

Do you know how hard it is to believe those words when all I want is an answer to why?

Getting pregnant the first time was easy. So why’s it taking so long this time?

*shrug* I don’t know.

I do know that this month (like the previous months), I’m not pregnant. My period started and, once again, I’m disappointed. I haven’t cried – I refuse to – but I’m also trying not to think about it. If I do, what little control I have over my emotions regarding this issue will shatter, and I’ll be an emotional wreck.

I don’t know or understand why conceiving is taking longer this time. I don’t. And I don’t know when we’ll be able to share the great news that we’re having another baby.

So we wait and keep trying.

And it’s hard to wait, especially when there are so many beautiful couples in our life that are expecting. It’s difficult (I will admit) to say congratulations to them, to hug and smile and laugh with them, to look at the expectant mother’s stomach knowing there’s a tiny life growing in there, to listen to talk of nursery colors and baby names.

I’m excited for each of these couples we know, and I pray that their baby is born healthy and the mother is kept safe in God’s hands during the entire pregnancy. Having a child truly is a blessing.

So here’s to celebrating with others while we anxiously wait for our turn. Here’s to listening to excited chatter about names, nursery colors and themes, pregnancy questions, expectations and fears. Here’s to the joy each of these couples will experience when their new baby arrives.

And here’s to waiting, to understanding, to accepting a plan greater than our own.

***
God –

You know how much we so want to experience the joys of conception, pregnancy, and birth again. We may not understand why this time’s taking longer, but we know You’ve got it under control.

So keep us, especially me, in the right frame of mind. Help me wait until it’s time. Help me be patient (’cause You know I suck at being patient). Help me rely on You and Your timing.

And when I feel ready to break down, remind me of the joy You gave us almost five years ago when You trusted us with The Kid. Help me not to forget the one we already have even as we anxiously wait for Baby #2.

Me

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